I need to express something.

Last night, our Baby Beans got into a fight with a opossum. (Typing this word puzzles me… the a/an rule is challenged here, I believe, because you don’t say Oh-Possum which would require the standard “an” but it seems wrong to put “a” in front of a noun that begins with a vowel. Its against the rules! It goes against everything I’ve ever known about the a/an statute. And now I don’t even know which one is right! A or AN?? Someone HELP! The issues we nerds deal with are really very taxing for our psyches.)

Back to the story, Kevin and I took Beans outside last night to prepare for a little ANAL GLAND EXPRESSION. Seems like once a year or so, Beans gets one of those darn things clogged up, and needs a little assistance with her self-expression. Even though my profession has required the occasional digital exam of certain areas and/or the digital removal of certain unmentionable substances, I just can’t bring myself to do this similar procedure on my Baby Beans. She doesn’t understand, and I would just prefer to let the vet (who charges like 15 dollars for this!) go there. But, alas, it always seems necessary in the middle of the night or on the weekend… so DAD gets to do it! I am in charge of holding her booty still while her sweet dad pokes around back there to see what he can express. (We do this because it is stinky and causes her pain if it stays clogged... its not just to have something to do after work) So, we began the preparations, but Beans decided to make one more attempt at self-expression in the side yard. But before any business can commence we see her take off… followed by all kinds of commotion and barking in the corner of the yard that is completely invisible at night. Luckily Kevin brought the flashlight for the aforementioned task at hand, and the beam revealed the NASTY and also extremely angry creature that had now climbed to the top of our fence. Great… the only thing worse than a/an opossum in my yard, is a pissed off opossum in my yard… staring at us from above. There is only ONE thing I hate more than these GIANT RATS… but there is no need for me to go there on this fine day. Another day maybe. So I say... (from inside the screen door where I have retreated with Beans, who apparently whipped that little cuss word without a scratch on her…I’m so proud!) “Do you want me to bring your gun?” Kevin laughs but to my happy surprise says “No I’ll come get it.” I am so excited. I will pay the fine or whatever happens when you shoot something in your backyard in the middle of the city. No cost would be too great. I just want to see the thing in several pieces. But he goes into the garage… NOT where the big guns are kept… and brings in this piddly little pellet gun. What? What is that gonna do? So I say “Umm why don’t you go get your fancy shotgun with the 3 INCH MAGNUMS that excite you so, and blow that rat to pieces?” (I don’t really know what this means AT ALL, but I hear him saying weird crap like this sometimes so I thought it might be appropriate) He’s not listening to me but instead contemplates his wussy choice of gun and says “This thing won’t work… Let’s trap it!!” “Trap my FOOT!!” (or something like that) Then all you have is a pissed off opossum… in a trap… in my backyard!! Get the magnums!! I’ll do it myself!

I think he finally poked it with a stick or something and made it jump the fence into my neighbor’s yard. My hero… What good are all those stupid guns if you aren’t gonna shoot the bad guys with them?

All that adrenaline Miss Beans had after her brawl with the ugly beast must have worked up a hearty enough poop to help her express herself! So… no need to hold her hiney now! We’re all fine, but I was a little nervous to go outside this morning… I am gonna need to start packin heat just to walk in my own backyard! And don't think I wont blow those little tiny opossum brains out! So get on the road, Oh-Possum!